Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Your dad touched me again.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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