just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
