He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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