With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
What a dumb baby whore.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
