Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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