Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
