woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
