I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
