It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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