Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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