there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
