The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
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