I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
