last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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