you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
