goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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