he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
