Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
