you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
