can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
