Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
