Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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