listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
