WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i black out too much to be "responsible"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
