I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
