Betty ford says i'm here all night
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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