i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
