I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
