I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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