I puked a lego.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
