ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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