I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
