We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
