I hate all girls vehemently.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
