True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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