I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize