Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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