you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
