A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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