we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
