I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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