I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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