i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
