I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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