I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
