He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
