You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Randomize
