Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
