Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
