He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
