Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
