What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
