he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Randomize
