he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
vagina is talking i cant
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
